The pressure to do and be it all in motherhood is exhausting.
That pressure can lead you straight into “Depleted Mother” syndrome.
Especially now with all these social media platforms.
Everything can feel so plastic and inauthentic.
As moms, we’re,”supposed” to be happy, all the time! Can you see my imaginary air quotes, ha!
Even when we’re running on absolute fumes and our kids are driving us crazy.
This unrealistic expectation is called “toxic positivity,” and it can have harmful effects on our mental health.
As mothers, we are often bombarded with the message that we should be grateful for every moment, even the tough ones.
We’re told to find the silver lining in every situation and to focus on the positive. While it’s important to be grateful and to find the good in our lives, this pressure to be positive all the time can be harmful.
Toxic positivity is the belief that happiness is the only acceptable emotion, and that any negative emotions should be avoided.
It’s a term used to describe the expectation that everyone should always be happy. In this article I’ll explain what it means and how toxic positivity affects mothers.
What is toxic positivity?
One concept that’s become popular in recent years is toxic positivity.
In short, toxic positivity is the idea that you should always stay positive, no matter what. It’s the idea that you should never complain, never feel sad, and never have a negative thought.
In a world that tells us to be positive, always see the good in everything, be happy and grateful, etc at all times, it’s easy to feel like we’re doing something wrong if we allow ourselves to become anything but.
The problem with this is that being positive all the time can actually do more harm than good.
- You Don’t Get To Be Negative Sometimes
- It Takes Away Your Ability To Take Control Of Your Own Emotions
- It Makes You Feel Guilty For Feeling Bad
There’s no shortage of advice out there for new moms. And while most of it is well-intentioned, some of it can actually do more harm than good.
because helloooo, you asked for this when becoming a mother ::insert eye roll::
According to UW Medicine, “Toxic positivity involves dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy. It comes from feeling uncomfortable with negative emotions. It is often well-intentioned but can cause alienation and a feeling of disconnection“.
And while it’s important to stay positive, it’s also important to be honest about the challenges of motherhood.
Because when we’re only focused on the positive, we can end up feeling isolated, like we’re the only ones struggling. We can start to believe that we’re not good enough mothers because we’re not always happy. And that’s just not true.
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Examples of toxic positivity in motherhood.
Toxic positivity in motherhood can be harmful as it invalidates negative emotions and experiences, making mothers feel guilty or ashamed for feeling anything other than positive emotions [1]. Here are some examples of toxic positivity in motherhood:
- Telling a mother who is struggling with postpartum depression to “just be happy” or “focus on the positive” [2].
- Dismissing a mother’s concerns about her child’s health or behavior by saying “at least your child is healthy” or “it could be worse” [3].
- Shaming a mother who complains about an aspect of motherhood by saying “you have it so good, you have no right to complain” [4].
- Minimizing a mother’s grief after a miscarriage or stillbirth by saying “at least you can get pregnant” or “everything happens for a reason” [1].
It’s important to acknowledge and validate negative emotions and experiences in motherhood, as they are a natural part of the journey. Instead of dismissing or minimizing them, it’s important to offer support and understanding [1].
The dangers of toxic positivity in motherhood
Toxic positivity is harmful because it creates an unrealistic and unhealthy standard for motherhood.
It puts pressure on mothers to be perfect and to always put on a brave face, even when they’re struggling.
It’s important to remember that motherhood is hard, and that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or scared sometimes.
Many mothers are already under a lot of pressure to be perfect. They’re expected to be good wives, good mothers, and good employees.
They’re expected to juggle it all without ever complaining.
And when they do complain, they’re often told to just be positive and think of all the blessings they have.
This toxic positivity can lead to mothers feeling like they’re not allowed to be anything other than happy and grateful.
It can lead to them feeling like they have to bottle up their negative
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by toxic positivity, remember that you’re
It’s normal to feel a range of emotions.
Another common pitfall of the positivity movement is that we can sometimes use it to judge our own emotions. I’ve been there—I’ve judged myself for having certain feelings because they didn’t align with the idea of being “positive.”
But emotions are a part of life and there’s nothing wrong with having them, no matter how unpleasant they may be.
For example, when someone close to you dies, it’s okay and normal to feel sad or even depressed at times.
The same goes for feelings like anger, fear and shame—they’re all valid responses to stressful situations in life and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having those feelings!
It’s important not only for mothers, but everyone else too not to judge other people’s emotions either;
if your friend has been crying all day after breaking up with her boyfriend, don’t tell her she needs more “positivity” in her life (because what exactly is more positive than crying?).
Instead try saying something like “that must have been hard,” or “I’m here if you want someone else around who understands what this feels like.”
The cost of toxic positivity in motherhood.
- If you’re not careful, toxic positivity can lead to burnout.
- If you’re not careful, toxic positivity can lead to guilt.
- If you’re not careful, toxic positivity can lead to self-doubt and anxiety.
- If you’re not careful, toxic positivity can lead to isolation and depression.
The importance of being vulnerable.
Being a parent can be overwhelming, and it’s OK to feel that way.
It’s also OK for you to be sad about your situation.
You don’t need to pretend like everything is fine when it clearly isn’t,because we all know that things aren’t always going to be OK in our lives, especially as we navigate motherhood.
It’s important for us as parents (especially mothers) not only to take care of ourselves but also acknowledge our feelings and emotions without shame, guilt or blame. I
f you’re having a hard time coping with the stress that comes with being a parent and taking care of yourself at the same time—it doesn’t make you a bad person!
It makes you human, just like everyone else on this planet who experiences hardship in their everyday lives by trying their best but sometimes falling short due to circumstances beyond their control or understanding.
Be kind to yourself and practice self care.
To start, practice self care.
You don’t have to be in a bathtub of chocolate while watching your favorite show and listening to music.
Self care can be whatever makes you feel good: meditation, reading a book or having fun with friends are all great examples of self care. The point is that when you take time for yourself each day, it allows you to recharge and make sure that you stay balanced throughout the day.
Be kind to yourself too! Being kind means recognizing what is important in our lives and making sure we prioritize these things so they don’t get lost in the shuffle of motherhood (or life). This might mean setting aside some time each week just for YOU! Or maybe it means not comparing your life with someone else’s on Instagram or Facebook because there will always be someone prettier/richer/more successful than us – so why waste time thinking about it?
What you can do to stop toxic positivity- hope and validation
Stopping toxic positivity can be challenging, but there are some steps you can take to address it:
- Recognize when it’s happening: The first step in stopping toxic positivity is to recognize when it’s happening. Be aware of the language people are using and notice when they are invalidating your negative emotions or experiences.
- Speak up: If someone is using toxic positivity with you, don’t be afraid to speak up and express how their behavior is making you feel. Let them know that you appreciate their positive intentions, but that you also need validation and support for your negative emotions and experiences.
- Educate others: Many people may not realize that their behavior is toxic or harmful. By educating others about the dangers of toxic positivity, you can help them understand why it’s important to validate negative emotions and experiences.
- Practice healthy positivity: Instead of relying on toxic positivity, practice healthy positivity that acknowledges and validates negative emotions while still focusing on the positive aspects of a situation. This can include reframing negative thoughts, practicing gratitude, or finding joy in small moments.
- Seek support: If you are struggling with toxic positivity, seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional. Talking to someone who understands and validates your emotions can be a powerful way to overcome toxic positivity.
Remember, stopping toxic positivity is a process and may take time. Be patient with yourself and others as you work towards a more positive and validating mindset.
So let’s all take a deep breath and remember that we are not responsible for the way other people feel. We can only control our own actions and reactions. If someone asks us how we are feeling, we can be honest and share what is going on with us, even if it makes them uncomfortable or sad. The most important thing is to be able to share ourselves authentically and vulnerably so that someone else may realize they’re not alone in their feelings either.
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